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As a society, we’ve all but abandoned the traditional courtship period, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Our less romantic days are filled with the urge to explore new hobbies and tastes—we’re climbing the proverbial food chain, as it were. So if you find yourself deeply invested in the art of dating, it’s no surprise that we are inching toward a new and more socially acceptable way of courting.

It’s also no surprise that this new way of dating is looking more like the mundane practices of modern office life. No more splitting coffee dates or scheduling dinner on a Saturday night. While it may seem like a dream come true, maybe it’s not exactly what you were looking for. The chances of being matched with a compatibility fairy are looking slimmer than ever before, and there’s an art to flirting that seems to have fallen by the wayside. If meeting the person of your dreams is a priority, there’s a lesson to be learned in the art of modern dating.

Courtship 101

You’ve probably seen movies of the olden days, where two single people would cross paths and their fates were sealed in the magic of chemistry. Well, that’s what courtship was. The idea was that you’d meet up with someone you were interested in, and talk to them enough to see if there was any spark between the two of you. If there was, you’d continue the talks and make sure the relationship progressed.

Generally speaking, dating and courting have gone the way of the Dodo. Now you can get yourself in the pool, and when you see someone else of the opposite gender standing in the same pool (social status, age, interests, etc.) on your third date, you move on.

If you really want to court someone, you have to introduce yourself and engage with them in a way that shows that you’re interested in the person. First off, that means not being a dick. Second, you should be able to tell if the person you’re talking to is worth your time and effort. The whole point of dating is to bring people together who are compatible. If you’re paying attention to the person you’re interacting with, you’ll notice if they are up for conversation.

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Prep Work

Think of yourself as a beginner in the game of love. If you get right down to it, putting yourself out there—on a dating site, in a bar, or even over a phone line—isn’t always easy. You need to do your best to make yourself approachable—and approachable means you need to be at your best. You must first prepare yourself by doing your best to get into the zone. If you’re a little nervous, you can download an anxiety management app or practice doing yoga or meditation while at home. You don’t need to go in with a specific strategy, but doing your best to be relaxed and in the right headspace will help you make the best impression and not be overwhelmed by stress.

When you’re meeting your match or someone in person, you can be fashionably underdressed or overdressed for the occasion. To mitigate any nervousness, approach things in a casual way. Bring little outfits you can change into, pack a shawl in your bag and wear it when you want to be comfortable, and when you’re wearing a skirt or dress, wear flat shoes instead of heels. To go with the outfit, carry a small purse or fanny pack to keep you contained if you feel like you’re getting nervous or getting pulled out of yourself.

Networking

Most of us could use a little networking. After all, you can’t take a chance on getting into a relationship with someone that doesn’t know you and won’t be able to tell you a little about themselves. Make sure you set up meetings with people you are interested in. Bring along a friend, or, if you’re alone, ask a mutual friend to set you up. Find your community and let them know you want to connect! If you’re meeting for coffee, buy a few items from that restaurant so that you can say, “I love the way this place smells.” Do what you can to help your community.

If you don’t know people in a town, find a place to meet new people. If you’re on a dating site, you can connect with people who have a similar background as you, or who could be a good match for you. If you’re interested in meeting people, you could even do a speed-dating event. These events will put you in a room with other people you’re interested in, and, if you’re on a site, you can usually filter out the ones who aren’t right for you.

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